Our song.

Our song just came on the radio, a second ago.
I cant even listen to the song cause it makes me think of him.
It makes me feel like i'm being socked in the stomach whenever the song comes on.
Idk why. But i wish the feeling would go away. It's hard still loving someone that doesn't really love you back anymore.
When ever i see his aim name or when ever we're both on myspace, i have a huge urge to just talk to him. But idk. Cause i already told him to not talk to me. So he would probably be like why are you talking to me.
But yeah i'm with family so i'll write more later. Adioss.

Peace. Love. &happiness.

So,

I got my sign. No more talking to him.
I'd rather wait for someone that everyone thinks won't come back then be with that lieng LITTLE boy.
I was right. I'm still not ready to start talking to or be with anyone else.
well i'm kind of blank right now.
Sooo bye.

Peace. Love. &happiness.

Give me a sign.

I wish had a sign to know if he was lieng or not.
Everybodies telling me he's a player. And he will brake my heart. But idk there's something deep down telling me he'll be different with me.
If he's lieng about treating me right, then he's a reallly good liar. Well of course he would be a good one, he played all those other girls. Maybe i should just give him a chance, but i don't want to end up getting hurt again. Well if he really was gonna treat me bad i dont think he would tell me we should give each other a try. I wish i knew what to do. This all would be so much easier if i had a lie detector. Then i would know if i was doing the right thing by believing what he says. I mean he is being honest with me now. Atleast i think he is. He told me to go with my heart and not think about what other people are saying. But it's just so hard. I dont think my heart is ready to move on yet. I'll just see how everything turns out in the end, hopefully it's good.

Peace. Love. &Happiness.

Life seems like a blur.

From my experience, i've learned that the qoute "never make someone your everything, cause once there gone you have nothing" is true.
Once your everything is gone you cant think straight, you just wanna give up on everything.
Life seems like a blur- it seems like you wont ever be able to see clear again.
You have those happy laughing moments when your with your friends but then when your all alone, bored you cant help but think of the person who is/was your everything.

I've learned everything i'm not gonna do when I finally move on to someone else.
Apparently when you've given someone your all, it's not enough in the end.
No more giving my all to ANYBODY.

He was wrong, he said true love doesnt hurt. True love does hurt cause i'm feeling the pain. It makes me wonder, how is he feeling right now. Probably isn't really affecting him that much cause no matter what he's always happy. I wish i could be like that. Maybe if i was like that, life wouldn't be so hard.

To my friends i say fxck boys. But in the back of my mind i'm saying fxck every boy but him. I cant say it cause he still means so much to me. It really frustrates me that we're not together.
I mean i'm getting better emotionally but i still want to be with him. I'm attached to him. Nothing can unttach me.


--»Qoutes/lyrics that are in my head.
"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, i could really use a wish right now."

"I'm just a dreamer. I dream my life away. I'm just a dreamer who dreams of better days."

"Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they're here to stay."

Peace. Love. &Happiness.

11:11

I wish the opposite of this:
I wish we wouldn't get back together.
I wish he would think of the lie when he saw me.
I wish I could be sad forreal.
I wish everything would get worse.

I didnt exactly tell you guys my wishes, so hopefully they do come true.
Idc if i confused you, I know what i mean.


Peace. Love. &happiness.

Trying to find some inspiration.

trying to find some inspiration, someone that can always leave a smile on my face no matter what.

but i'm hopeless. i can't believe the one person in my life that made me do soo much better is gone.

he had a big impact in my world, he was'nt like every other boy that

just was there, for entertainment. he was so much different then that. i trusted him with alll my heart, i still do. he was the first boy i completely let out the real me too. i told him everysingle last thing that was going on in my life. but i was tired of living in one big lie, i decided to tell him the truth. the truth wasnt worth losing him over. if i knew all this was gonna happen, i could have just left everything to myself. everything would be so much better.

but now im lost in the tunnel without my shining armor to guide me. he's gone and now alll i have to remember him by are the memories in my head. i believe in the saying everything happens for a reason, but what was the reason for all this.

i know it couldnt be because someone better is gonna come along and save me, 'cause there is no one better then the person that knows the real you.

i cant just start all over with another guy, it wouldnt be the same. why did karma hit me so hard when i didnt even do anything to desearve all this....it sucks. i keep wishing and wishing there was something else for me to do. but it's taking a long time for my wish to come true.

" I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it
If you didn't have this chance then I never did
You'll always find me right there, again "

i can stop thinking about all the things he did for me, all the things he said to me, and how much when he held me in his arms i didnt want him to let go. and how whenever i would hang out with him, we both would be really sad when it was time for me to go.

he was like my bestfriend. but now it's my fault my bestfriends gone.

i would never get tired of talking to him, even when the things he would say would irritate me i stilll would rather only talk to him.

goshh, i miss him so much.

i would be so happy if he just gave me another chance.

Please, lets fix us.

He seemed like the perfect person, we seemed like the perfect couple.
He said NOTHING could brake us apart no matter what, he said if anything ever went wrong we could fix it.
How come we're not fixing this?
I know i messed up. But people do make mistakes. Everyone isn't perfect.
He knows if the tables were turned and he were in my position, he would want another chance. I would give him another chance. I explained every single little detail to him whenever i had the chance. I've done everything to prove to him, that he was the only guy for me. And that I realized how much i only want him. What else is there to do to prove how much i love him? How can i get him to not think of the lie when he sees me?
It seems like everything we've been through, like all the good times dont even matter anymore. I just wish we could be together again. I want him to know he wouldnt be making a mistake if we did get back together.

Peace. Love. &Happiness.

Fill me up again.

For some reason, even though he said he couldn't see me and him together again, i still picture us getting back together.
I miss him so much. I feel so weak without him. I hate feeling this pain.
I wonder if I ever even cross his mind.
At night so I can feel close to him again I cuddle up with beary. The bear he gave me. It makes me feel alittle better, but I still cry when I think of all the good times we've had together. I cant help but think of him. Even when i dont want to think of him i still do. Like right now i dont want to think of him but i cant help it.
I dont know why, but sometimes i start shaking when i think of him. And i'm not even cold. I can barely think straight when i shake from thinking of him.
I dont think i'll ever be completely happy again, unless i'm back with him.
I'm hurting so bad.
I'm so empty, i want him to fill me up again.

Peace. Love. &Happiness.

5/11 thru 5/12

This is our conversation on myspace that i said i was gonna post. So here goes.

Him- god i cant stop thinking about you.
Me- Uh dont you have a girlfriend now.
Him- no i havnt had one since me and u. U were my last girlfriend.
Me- To me it seems like you have a girlfriend now.
Him- if i did you wld see me talk about her on my statuses and aim, but i dont. I just wanted to say i miss u and i think about you alot. Goodnight tia.
Me- Okay then who are you talking about on your statuses you been posting?
Him- I'm just writing them to write them. They're just some of my songs that im going to start recording soon.
Me- You confuse me so much.
Him- how?
Me- Because you say your trying to move on or whatever then you come back and tell me you miss me and you've been thinking about me alot. Here i am over here going crazy cause i think your ALREADY with someone else. You know how much that hurts. I'm in counceling now. And then when i finally decide im moving on you come and message me out of no where. Its confusing.
Him- im sorry, i just wanted to tell u. I'll let u live ur life. Goodbye. :'(
Me- Ughh. My life fxckn sucks donkey balls without you. I dont want to live my life without you. But ask anyone of my close friends even they said it seems like you have a girlfriend now.
Him- i swear to god i dont. If i did i would have them everywhere, what im saying on my statuses r lyrics im going to start recording soon.
Me- I really thought you had a girlfriend... well guess I was wrong
Him- ur welcome.
Me- What?
Him- My bad I completely zoned out.
Me- Yeah okay. So tell me something should i move on like you said you were gonna do or should I keep waiting?
Him- thats up to you to decide. Not me. I cant control what you want.
Me- I want you. But if you dont want me why should i wait for you if your never coming back. Thats why I asked you. I just wanted to be sure I was doing the right thing.
Him- i think maybe you should move on.
Me- Alright. If thats what makes you happy. Then i'll move on.
Him- its not, but i dont see you and i together agen.
Me- ...Why not?
Him- because you lied to me the whole time we were going out, i dont think i can forget about that.
Me- I know you cant forget. But you can forgive.
Him- i already did.
Me- if you already forgave me why cant you see us together again?
Him- because everytime ill see you ill think of ur lie.
Me- I'm not the only one who lied. But fine if we arnt ever gonna get back together please just stop talking to me. It just makes me feel worse inside and out. So bye.

That was our conversation. It kind of fustrates me. But now you know how our last convo went.

Peace. Love. &Happiness.

Cant stop.

I really just can't stop thinking about him.
I went through the whole day thinking about him.
Every single last thing today made me think of him.
I feel so incomplete. He hurt me the worst out of everybody I ever loved.
He really ment alot to me.
He said that he couldnt be with me cause everytime he would see me he would think of my lie.
But if his love for me was really as strong as he said it was then he would be able to move past that lie. Btw Im going to post our conversation we had on 5/11 thru 5/12 later. Sooo bye.

Peace. Love. &happiness.

Time to move on.

I dont want to move on.
But he finanly told me I should move on.
So I guess thats what I will do.
It's gonna be really hard to get over him. He wasn't just another boy. He was different. He was REAL. I wish I could've been real with him too.
He doesnt know half of what I'm feelin inside. I wish he would know.
I miss him soo much. I realized how much he ment to me and how much I only want him when he broke up with me. He was my motivation to do better. And now my motivation is gone.
I wish he could just move past the lie and really really forgive me about it.
I know deep down he wants to get back with me. Well maybe.
Man he was a BIG part of my life, I cant just move on to another boy. Its not that easy for me. I wish he and other people would see that.
If I cant have him, I'd rather be alone all by myself.
I may be alive. But inside i'm already dead.


Peace. Love. &Happiness.

Grrrrr.

Boys confuse me so much.
Now I really DONT know what to do..
Do you want to be with me or not??
Goshh. Make up your mind.

Peace. Love. &happiness.

I feel so dead inside.

Ugh. I wish people would stop telling me that there will be other boys. I dont want OTHER boys I want him
I've only been thinking about him and I really want to be with him again, so bad. I would do anything just to get back with him
People say if he really did care about me then he would come back to me.
I believe that but i know he really does/did have alot of feelings for me. It's just I really hurt him. I wish he would've have gave me another chance though.
I think he's just using the girl he's going out with now as a rebound girl. Maybe.
I mean could he really already love her?
She's first on his top.
And i was second.
But that couldnt determine if he has more feelings for her then he did with me. He could just be trying to get me jelouse.
I hope he really doesnt truely love her.
The thought of all this makes me sad.
I wish I could just use a time machine to go back to the exact moment and tell him I only have feelings for him
I was stupid, cause now I've realized how much I DONT have feelings for the other guy. He was my one and only. Nobody could EVER replace him. I wish we were still together. It's all my fault that we arnt together. :(

No help.

Some people suck at trying to make me feel better.
They just make me feel worse.
I need the one person, who knows how to help me back.
He was always there for me.
Maybe, I can just try to be friends with him again. I guess that wouldnt hurt.
Idk though. Everything always ends bad for me. But it doesnt hurt to try, actually nvm yess it does.
Welllll, Thats it.

Peace. Love. &Happiness.

I don't get why...

I dont get why he can give another chance to a girl who fxcked his bestfriend twice. But he cant give me another chance. Ugh. Thats not even fair. The girl didnt even tell him, he had to find out through someone else.
Man. Whatever. I dont know what else to do.
I wish there was a way I can win him back.
If we were still going out we would have made five months today.
Mm, then he keeps changing his mind.
Like first he says he needs time to think
Then he says no I dont want to be with you.
Then he says he doesnt know if he wants to be with me.
Now he's saying he can't be with me.
I just want for him to give me another chance. He has to realize he isnt the
only one hurting. I want to make things right again.

Peace. Love. &Happiness.

Im trying all I can.

I tried talking to him today.
And he just blew me off. :(
My life sucks so bad right now.
I Just feel like giving up. Cause I'm trying so hard to get him back.
He's the love of my life, I want to officially have him to call mine again.
But the way things are going right now, I dont think that would happen.
He's supposed to be my superman.
He's supposed to save me when I'm in distress. But he's not saving me. Ah Im sooooo depressed.

:(

All I can do is cry.
I wish it didnt have to be like this.
I wish I didnt put my all into him.
Cause now I have to watch him be with somebody else. :(
It hurts so bad.
I cant deal with this pain any longer...

Peace. Love. &Happiness.

I only want him.

I must have him, or no one at all.
Untill I get him back....I'm through with love.
I cant see myself with anbody else. Ever. Just gonna be single till I have him to call my babe again.
I cant stand being broken hearted. This is the last time. Nobody else can brake my heart.
Im gonna be the one braken hearts.
Thats it, I'm done.

Peace. Love. &Happiness.

Out and about.

In the car, going to walmart.
Its pretty hot outside. But it doesnt really bother me. And i'm wearing a long sleeve too. I have scars on my arms that I dont want my mom to see. So I had no choice but to wear a long sleeve. I see people in long sleeves so i dont feel so alone anymore. Im out of the car in walmart now. It feels soo good in here. Its just the right tempature in here. I love it. :).
I see alot of people with tattoos.
I cant wait to get my first tattoo. Its gonna be a sleeve on my left arm.
HAHAHAHA. This dude just tripped heckas bad and he thought no one would see lol. I saw. And I tried to hold on my laugh, but i couldnt do it. Lol people crack me up these days. Now were about to leave. We got a whole basket full of stuff in less then five minutes. Man im sleepy. I never get enough sleep at all. I need some sleeping pills or something. But I dont want to go to the docters to get them. I feel like getting some starbucks. I just seen a starbucks card thats why it came into my head. I love having a sidekick. I feel so cool. Lol. I can blog easier on this phone then I can with my other phone. I wish this stupid cashier lady hurry up. I want to leave already. Well there's not anything very interesting going on right now, so laaaater people.

Peace. Love. &Happiness.