Emotional reck.

I Want to be with you right now.

I get soo sad when im not with you. Like you dont even know the half of what im feeling when your not with me.

I can't concentrate on anything with him here and i definately can't concentrate on anything with out him.

This sunset is sooo beautiful. It just makes me forget all my troubles. and brings me happiness. I should look at sunsets more often. The rain also makes me forget everything bad too. It just washes away all the pain and hurt.

Good thing its gonna rain tomarrow.

Sometimes i just wish it'll never stop raining.

I love going to sleep to rain, its like music to my ears when my mp3 player is dead.

Im crying right now. Cause i cant see him.
Ughhh. :p I hate not seeing him. It hurts soo bad. Texting him or talking to him on the phone doesnt make anything better. :( Why do i always go out with guys that go to a different school then me, or there just to busy.What if his dream of becoming a professional football player really does come true? Then what. I wont be able to see him at all. I'll be suuper lonely. :(

I didnt use to be sooo negative before i started high school.Now ive changed. I'm just a big ball of emotional troubles.. Somethings always wrong with me.

I wish i can go back to the old happy me.

Peace. Love &happiness.

Feeelin a little empty.

Im hurting soo bad inside. I dont know why. I have a boyfriend. I love him. He loves me. But somethings missing. I don't know whats wrong with me. On the outside im happy.
On the inside I feel like im dying. The pain hurts. Not Physically, but emotionally and mentally.
People would say, i have everything, i need to be happy. but i dont feel that way. The pain only comes when im not with my boyfriend.
When im with him im fine.
Ughh I need him.
Maybe hes the pain i feel.
My stomach is twisting and turning. into what feels like knots.
Im hurting. :(
Why wont he come back to me?
If he came back would i leave something that really makes me happy?
I dont even know.
What am i missing?
Why do i feel soo empty.
Ive never felt this way. Except when i was in school.
Now im out. I dont have to be there anymore. The school that was making me depressed, im out..but i still feel like i did when i was there.
I think im going back to being depressed.
I cant even talk to anybody.
Atleast thats what it feels like.
If i tell my boyfriend how im feeling he'll think it's him thats
making me feel this way.
I cant tell my bestfriend, shes going through her boyfriend breaking up with her.
I dont even think a Professional counciler can help me.
Whats wrong with me?!?!?
Ughh. I'm out.

Peace. Love. &happiness.

I feel like writing but then i dont.

Yeahh. idk whats wrong with me.
But this weekand was cool.
I earned alot of money..so im gonna get a sidekick slide. :)
Hopeefully my mom will let me keep my metro, and have the sidekick too.
If she doesnt then ohh well. Ill just have to start paying myphone bills by myself.
Which will only be 25 dollars. So its not that bad.
Plus im buying my sidekick off of somebody, And its only 50$.
Ill still have money left over.
I babysit alot and earn money from doing other things. Ill be good on paying my bill by myself.

Mmm yeah. well im bored now. so im gonna go.

Peace. Love &happiness.

Just updating.

Im going to work.
Holding signs and making the jewelry look pretty ahaha
Thats from 10:00 to 4. Then After that Im coming home to freshen up; Im going to my boyfriends house :)
Welll More later when i get back.
Adiosss!
Peace. Love. &happiness.

Running Away From my past.

I want nothing to do with anybody who hurt me, or people who treat me bad. Im Gonna forgive and forget. If people dont want to be my friends anymore because of ...... Then oh well. I dont like losing friends but, thats just the way things are.

We had good times. We had alot of bad times. We had soooo mutch in common, then i thought we did. "You never know what you got untill its gone." Ive learned that that quote really is true.

My stomach feels empty all the time, Just thinking about what ive lost. I feel soo weak, like nothing i do gives me energy. Ive tried everything to make the hurt and the pain go away. I imagine us meeting up again. I imagine you telling me you dont want me anymore. I imagine you telling me you do want me. I imagine everything.

My thoughts and everything are telling me to just let go of you. But for some reason i Just cant do it. My heart aches, My body aches, My head aches just thinking of you.

I really have no idea what to do. Maybe the words 'I love you' are just things i say to make me feel like im over you. but deep down when im all alone or lost in thoughts. Your all i think about. and i mean it.

Answer this question, Am i depressed? Am i obssed? What am i?... Cause i have no clue what exactly i am. You might say im crazy. You might say im delusional. You might say alot of negative things about me. Anybody else can say things about me but it wont hurt me. Wanna know why? Its cause your the only one who can hurt me.

My feelings have completely gone away. Im suprised i even had this mutch to say.

Peace. Love. &happiness.

The end.

Pushin' his luckk.

I think he is. I think hes eventually gonna start taking advantage of me, Just cause Im soo deeply in love with him. He'll start thinking "Oh..I can do anything if i tell her that i did it." Yeahh its not gonna be like that. Cause once He tells me something that really hurts me, its over. No matter what he tells me im not gonna take him back. Yeahh thats it.

I dont really have anything else to say.

Peace. Love. &Happiness.

The end.

To everyone with valentines and without them.

Happy Valentines Day, I dont see why everyone makes such a big deal out of valentines day.

Its Just a day. I mean if you dont have a valentine stop complaining and go find someone to hang out with, Just for fun. I Really dont care If i have a valentine or not. As long as im having fun, its cool.

But anyways. Mann i Forgive people way to easy. Yesterday My day sucked. But when i forgave Him. The most AHHHMAZINGEST thing Happend. 7/10 haha. Yummmmy. Soo i broke my promise to My auntie Yesterday. Thats alll im saying. It was worth it though.

I dont think its gonna Pull us apart, I think its gonna bring us closer.

Awhh he gave me his boxers and a bear! They're both sooo cute. I gotta be honest. He did Make it up to me, like he said. But I dont think I can trust him Like that. But Ill Just see how everything goes. He only has one more chance, he better use it wisely.

Peace. Love. &Happiness.

The end.

Long time, No blog.

Yeah, Ive been thinking about blogging but i just havnt really been in the mood too. Like ill sit there and be like..."I should blog!" but then i dont. Well Im blogging now. So its all good.

Im kind of sad right now. So my minds really empty.

The only thing thats in my head is "But if your gonna lie to me dont even waist my time giving you another chance. Cause i dont need somebodys who is gonna lie to me"

Yupp I sent that to my boyfriend. And thats how i feel.

Its weird how boys goo through all the trouble to get you to trust them, then they blow it all away. I mean if your gonna play a girl find a bop. (slut,whore,hoe,etc.) Not somebody whos gotten there heart broken soooo many times.

Are you gonna be another Wrong turn in my life? Cause i told you ive had way to many of those and i dont need another one.

Ughh i look horrible. From crying too mutch. My eyes are darkish red under it. blehhh.

Im not done with you yet. I cant leave not if i wanted to babe.

You mean soo mutch to me. Not tryna throw all that away over some chick. But just remember This is your last chance. I love you.

The end.

Its gonna take a miracle to bring me back...

& you're the one to blame.

These lyrics describe EXACTLY how i feel.

Baby, baby, when we first met
I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover and my best friend
All wrapped into one, with a ribbon on it

And all of a sudden, when you left
I didn't know how to follow, it's like a shot
That spun me around and now my heart left
I feel so empty and hollow

And I'll never give myself to another, the way I gave it to you
Don't even recognize the ways you hit me, do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame

And now I feel like, oh, you're the reason why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke all these cigarettes no more
I guess this is what I get for wishful thinking
I should've never let you into my door

Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
It's not amusing like I believe

It's like I checked into rehab
Baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked into rehab
Baby, you're my disease

I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby, you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby, you're my disease

Damn, ain't it crazy when your love slams?
You'll do anything for the one you love
'Cause anytime that you needed me, I'd be there
It's like you were my favorite drug

The only problem is that you was using me
In a different way that I was using you
But now that I know, it's not meant to be
You gotta go, I gotta win myself over you

And I'll never give myself to another, the way I gave it to you
Don't even recognize the ways you hit me, do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame

'Cause now I feel like, oh, you're the reason why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke all these cigarettes no more
I guess this is what I get for wishful thinking
I should've never let you into my door

Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
It's not amusing like I believe

It's like I checked into rehab
Baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked into rehab
Baby, you're my disease

I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby, you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby, you're my disease

Now ladies, gimme that
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, now gimme that
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Now ladies, gimme that
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, now gimme that
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Oh, you're the reason why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke all these cigarettes no more
I guess this is what I get for wishful thinking
I should've never let you into my door

Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
It's not amusing like I believe

It's like I checked into rehab
Baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked into rehab
Baby, you're my disease

I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby, you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby, you're my disease

Anonymous.

You say that your alone. That you have no one to talk to. But im trying to be here for you. I guess thats not enough huh?!

I thought were supposed to last forever. You dont even try to make things right. Why do i even bother trying to do this, Cause its soo hard to let go. I dont like leaving people behind. But Nothings going right so i guess we're done.

I might as welll find a new one. & just forget everything we've been through.Why do people stay in relationships if Nobody can trust each other anymore? Whats the point? I really need a new circle.

Im not gonna be happy when everyones gone. And all i have is you. Im gonna neeed other people to talk to. Not just some blog. Even with alot of people around me i Still feel empty. Like nobody knows what im going through.

Nobody wants to listen to my problems and hear what i have to say. Well i guess thats how its gonna be.

I cant wait to grow up and get out on my own. Just me,myself,and I.

Ughhh FML, im done. Peace.

The end.

3 days laterr.

So tuesday and yesterday i had to go to my old school, to take the cahsee test. I was dreading those two days ever since i first got that letter. I thought i was gonna be embarrassed and depressed there. But Suprisingly i had fun. Seeing my old friends and my favorite yard duties. It was kind of annoying cause people were asking me alot of questions but it was cool. Yesterday was the first day that i ever talked to him. like last year on that day i met him. I remember cause it was the last day of being in the gym for the cahsee. Since i didnt have to take it last year cause i was a freshman. Thats when everything got better. But now its getting better with somebody else.
Hmm. For once i actually didnt wait till the last minute to do my hw. I Finished it all yesterday. Im starting to become more responsible. Very slowly. Eveentually ill be totally responsible. Untill then ohhh well.
Im gonna be babysitting this whole weekand. friday,saturday,sunday. Which suckss. I might not be able to hang out with my boyfriend at alll. I cant help but think negative. Cause im sooo used to it.
Its 11:11. I just made a wish hopefully it comes truee. It should though. Uhh i want some ice cream. but i dont feel like putting the computer down. to walk downstairs. haha i know im lazy but i worked out alot this week and my bodys sore. I wish somebody can massage me. blahh ha that sounded gay. I like venting to the computer...welll not really. I need a real person to telll EVERYTHING to and they wont judge me. Thats kind of why i decided to write about everything here. Cause i dont give a damn anymore. If people i know were to find this ohhh welll. Atleast they'll see the real me. Actually i dont think they would know it was me. Cause theres alot of tia's out there in the world. That could be going through the same stuff as mee. Well its not like im hiding anything. Cause some stuff people search will lead them to my blog. Once i hit the publish post button Everyones able to see what i write. So everythings out in the open.
Mann you know what i hate. When people right short responses. Like there just soo bland. I also hate when people dont text me back. I mean if you dont know what to say change the subject. If you dont want to talk to me just say you dont wanna talk to me. No need to lie and say you never got my messages. Dude everyone gets my messages. It makes it even worse when the person texts you and be's like hey. Then you say hey whats up? and all they say is nothin. Thats sooooo anoying. Why would you text me if you had nothing to say. Dumbass. aha welll im done with that.
Anyways me and my boyfriend made a month today. Seems like we made a year though. Cause i already know so mutch about him. Still learning more and more about him each day. I hope he doesnt start to change. Usually when people start going out longer both of you guys will change or one will. And then the fighting starts. I dont want to fight with him ever. But some fights do make people stronger.
I should start on my hw for next week now. So i dont have alot to do. Yeahh i will ill start later. cause right now i just wanna chill.
Right now im listening to Night off by drake feat lloyd. You should listen to it too. Ive always liked drake. Ever since he was on Degrassi. Haha my eyes were watering when he got shot in that show it was helllllla long ago. Lol
Welll im about to go downstairs to get some water and ice cream... sooo Illl write later when i can.
Peace. Love. &happiness.

The end.

Writing to be writing.

Well today's monday. duhh. haha. Yesterday I went over to my boyfriends house. And once again i was soooo eager to have sex with him. It was fun of course. But mann when we get into kissing. Like really get into it. It makes me want to have sexual intecourse with him haha. Really though. I just wanna go into his room, lay on his bed. Then tell him to give it to me. But thats never gonna happen. Because we have to stay in the living room. Were limited to what we can actually do in there. I have a feeling its gonna be great when we finally do it though. Well the longer we wait the more better it willl be. I guess.

Anyways im in my room right now watching everybody hates chris. And eating crackers. I should be doing my homework but i really dont feel like it. Ill start it later when i get back from working out. To be more responsible i should do it now. I mean im not doing anything that important.

Omg i was just thinking about yesterday. My boyfriend smelled soooooo freaking good yesterday. The smell was mezmorizing! I forgot what the cologne was called though. I know it was by avon though. Soo i might buy some so my clothes can smell like him. Lol jusst kidding. But it reallly did smelll that good.

Stupid comercials. Why do they have to be sooo long. They annoy me. I wish the fast foward button worked on my remote. Wow The show just came back on when i said that aha.

Well im not really that depressed anymore. I am but its starting to go away. Im going back to my regular self. ahh My mom cut my hair. Luckily my hair grows back fast. Cause im black,indian,creole, and white. The indian and white makes my hair grow fast. The black means i got thick hair. aha. My hair was down to my shoulders probablly like 3 or 4 inches longer. Now my hair is a little bit passed my neck now. Well my boyfriend likes it. I dont but whatever. If he likes it. its cool. i guess. Im soo used to having lonng hair. since it was long it never got poofy. well not really but now its poofy.. GRRR. Well atleast i get a chance to look at new hairstyles that i can do with medium length hair. I still have banges soo as long as i have my bangs everything is all good. Im just glad my mom didnt cut my hair Shorter then she did.

Haha. I was looking through my mom and dads stuff just a few minutes ago. and i saw somethings lol. Its kinda funny i cant picture them having sex. I dont want too but im just saying its soo weird. haha welll Im done. Im gonna write more later. Like tomarrow or tonight. Sooo. Bye

The end.